Sunday, February 1, 2009

Rick Warren on the Super Bowl

Knowing that 40% of my readers think that Pastor Rick Warren is a right-wing hate-monger, and that the other 40% think that Warren is a Satan-worshipping synthesist, this e-mail that I received from Warren is for the other 20%.


(The following spoof is NOT serious. Relax! The Bible does not work this way, although some people try to use Scripture in ways that are just this silly to prove their points.)

Dear Saddleback Family,

Some of you have asked me if the Bible gives us any clues as to who might win the Super Bowl between the Arizona Cardinals and the [Pittsburgh] Steelers. Here's my answer from my personal study today:

1. Does the Bible allude to either the Phoenix Cardinals or [Pittsburgh] Steelers?

YES! "I am like a wild bird in the desert." Psalm 102:6 (TEV)

"If a person is a stealer, he must stop stealing and start working. He must use his hands for doing something good!" Ephes. 4:28 (ICB)

2. Who will have the advantage playing in Tampa? Not the Cardinals.

"Anyone away from home is like a bird away from its nest." Proverbs 27:8 (TEV)

3. What verse favors victory on the field for the Cardinals?

"I will throw you on the ground and toss you in an open field. I will make the birds perch on you and feed on you!" Ezekiel 32:4 (GW)

4. What verses favor the Steelers?

"Just look at the strength of his back, the powerful muscles of his belly...his huge legs are like beech trees. His skeleton is made of steel, every bone in his body hard as steel. "
Job 40:16-18 (Mes)

"With your well-muscled arm and your grip of steel nobody trifles with you!"
Psalm 89:13 (Mes)

"Wherever they turn, I will spread my net over them, and bring down the birds."
Hosea 7:12 (NJB)

5. Who is favored to win?

"The Lord told me to say: Just as you cannot break steel, you can't defeat the enemy that will attack from the north. I will give them everything you own." Jeremiah 15:12-13 (CEV)

The scarlet & white uniforms of the Cardinals may be overwhelmed by the team from Three Rivers stadium:

Shields flash red in the sunlight! The attack begins! See their scarlet uniforms! Watch as their glittering chariots move into position... but they stumble in their haste, rushing to the walls to set up their defenses. But too late! The River Gates are open! The enemy has entered!" Nahum 2:3-6 (NLT)

I'm kidding. Don't write me!

P.S. Yes, I am very aware that Warren quotes from several different translations. And yes, I am aware that Warren waxed poetic on a sport in which men tackle men. So don't write me, either.

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