Saturday, February 24, 2007

Random Story Generator

I generated the following story here.

It all started when our over-heralded star, George W Bush, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling very exasperated, George W Bush deflowered a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Happy as a frickin' monkey, he realized that his beloved Starbucks coffee was missing! Immediately he called his annoying neighbor, Ontario Emperor. George W Bush had known Ontario Emperor for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Ontario Emperor was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... clueless. George W Bush called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Ontario Emperor picked up to a very calm George W Bush. Ontario Emperor calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras belch before mating, yet venomous koalas usually flamboyantly cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting George W Bush. Why was Ontario Emperor trying to distract George W Bush? Because he had snuck out from George W Bush's with the Starbucks coffee only four days prior. It was a enchanting little Starbucks coffee... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before George W Bush got back to the subject at hand: his Starbucks coffee. Ontario Emperor cringed. Relunctantly, Ontario Emperor invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Starbucks coffee. George W Bush grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ontario Emperor realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Starbucks coffee and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if George W Bush took the 'modded' Civic, he had take at least eleven minutes before George W Bush would get there. But if he took the Ford Pinto? Then Ontario Emperor would be excessively screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ontario Emperor was interrupted by seven selfish Iguanas that were lured by his Starbucks coffee. Ontario Emperor turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he fearlessly reached for his live hand grenade and skillfully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Ford Pinto rolling up. It was George W Bush.


As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, George W Bush was out of the Ford Pinto and went explosively jaunting toward Ontario Emperor's front door. Meanwhile inside, Ontario Emperor was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Starbucks coffee into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Ontario Emperor was worried but at least the Starbucks coffee was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Ontario Emperor earnestly purred. With a hasty push, George W Bush opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive social outcast in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Ontario Emperor assured him. George W Bush took a seat frighteningly close to where Ontario Emperor had hidden the Starbucks coffee. Ontario Emperor yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But George W Bush was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Ontario Emperor noticed a selfish look on George W Bush's face. George W Bush slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Ontario Emperor felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when George W Bush asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Starbucks coffee right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on George W Bush's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. George W Bush nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ontario Emperor could react, George W Bush randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Starbucks coffee was plainly in view.

George W Bush stared at Ontario Emperor for what what must've been six minutes. A few unfulfilled decades later, Ontario Emperor groped exotically in George W Bush's direction, clearly desperate. George W Bush grabbed the Starbucks coffee and bolted for the door. It was locked. Ontario Emperor let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, George W Bush,' he rebuked. Ontario Emperor always had been a little annoying, so George W Bush knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Ontario Emperor did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his Starbucks coffee tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Ontario Emperor looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from George W Bush. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for George W Bush. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Ontario Emperor walked over to the window and looked down. George W Bush was gone.


Just yonder, George W Bush was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Ontario Emperor's place. George W Bush had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Iguanas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Starbucks coffee. One by one they latched on to George W Bush. Already weakened from his injury, George W Bush yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Iguanas running off with his Starbucks coffee.

About nine hours later, George W Bush awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dark and George W Bush did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy swamp, George W Bush was barely lost. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he remembered that his Starbucks coffee was taken by the Iguanas. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a little Iguana emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha Iguana. George W Bush opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Iguana sunk its teeth into George W Bush's kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from George W Bush's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than eight miles away, Ontario Emperor was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Starbucks coffee. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about George W Bush... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Starbucks coffee that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Iguanas, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

Brief editoral comment wraps things up.


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