Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Coffee Klatch Responds to the Most Important Story of All Time

I have maintained that people focus too much on Washington and end up ignoring things that are REALLY important to their lives.

So while people wonder about the possible removal of the Social Security income limits, there's a story...um...brewing that will really affect you.

Your local Starbucks will close in a few hours.

The San Bernardino Sun has the details:

The Seattle-based coffee chain is scheduled to close its doors to customers from 5:30 to 8:30 tonight so baristas can convene for an "Art of Espresso" training session, part of a companywide effort to refresh Starbucks' coffee business.

"As a result, baristas will be better prepared to share their passion and knowledge with customers," Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz wrote to company employees in a Feb. 11 communication that carried the ultra-corporate title of "Howard Schultz Transformation Agenda Communication #6."

The training is set to take place at nearly 7,100 corporate-operated coffee houses.

The Sun article notes that the competition is enjoying this.

Amy Bates, who owns Stell's Coffee and Tea near Alabama Street and Barton Road in Redlands, said her employers are ready in case coffee seekers bypass closed Starbucks for her shop.

"We don't have to be retrained because we're really good at what we do," Bates joked.

A little closer to home, Rancho Cucamonga's Coffee Klatch is also taking advantage of the situation:

Mike Perry, who owns Coffee Klatch locations in Rancho Cucamonga and San Dimas, disapproves of the coffee mogul's training tactics.

"I'm not sure why it's going to take them three hours to learn how to press a button," Perry said about the espresso machines. "While they practice pushing buttons, their customers can come to Coffee Klatch and learn how coffee is really supposed to taste."

Coffee Klatch will offer free coffee at both locations while Starbucks shops are closed.

Meanwhile, the Onion reveals things that you aren't going to learn elsewhere:

Though the coffee chain's specific plans are not known, existing Starbucks franchises across the nation have been locked down with titanium shutters across all windows. In each coffee shop's door hangs the familiar Starbucks logo, slightly altered to present the familiar mermaid figure as a cyclopean mermaid whose all-seeing eye forms the apex of a world-spanning pyramid.

Those living near one of the closed Starbucks outlets have reported strange glowing mists, howling and/or cowering on the part of dogs that pass by, and electromagnetic effects that cause haunting, unearthly images to appear on TV and computer screens within a one-mile radius. Experts have few theories as to what may be causing the low-frequency rumblings, half-glimpsed flashes of light, and periodic electronic beeps emanating from the once-busy shops.

In addition, newly painted trucks marked with the nuclear trefoil, the biohazard warning symbol, and various mystic runes of the Kaballah have been spotted rolling out of Starbucks distribution warehouses.

Hat tip to Independent Sources for the last one.


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