Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Last Conspiracy Theory

While I've been running around doing stuff, an earthshaking change has taken placed in the publishing world. Independent Sources, Michael Hanscom, and SFScope have all talked about it, but the best perspective so far comes from Bob Greenberger, who is (at the moment) an editor with Weekly World News. Here's part of his description of a week spent working at that paper.

Wednesday we got word at work that management has some ideas for the paper and the next two weeks will be reprints as we begin to retool. For weeks now, we’ve been hearing some changes are in the wind that were likely to amend the game plan that went into action on April 1....

Note the date. Let's move to Thursday.

Thursday we got into high gear on the reprints....Word reaches us that the Board of Directors wants something to change but can’t make up their minds. Maybe we relaunch. Maybe we add some one-shots. Maybe we go web-only. Maybe nothing changes. We’ll know Friday morning.

Ready for Friday?

Friday morning, Jeff Rovin comes in for a meeting and then the staff was to be called in. He’s looking harried, not at all relaxed. At 11:30, we’re finally shown into an office where we are told the Board of Directors has chosen to close Weekly World News. The reasons given make no sense. We’re stunned and shell-shocked. We’re to stay on through August 3, finishing the reprint issues and then we’re done. A glorious, funny, odd publication, born in 1979, will go out with a whimper and all I can think is that something’s going on that they’re not telling us because it just doesn’t make sense.

If it doesn't make sense to a WWN editor, then it truly doesn't make sense. Or does it? The answer is so obvious. Or if it isn't obvious, then this ersatz, fake, not real Ed Anger article should make it clear.

I'm madder than a true-blue American worker forced by offshore job-stealing to bus tables at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser. It seems that one of our last sources of real information is being shut down - and you'll never guess who's doing it.

As you know, I've been writing for the Weekly World News for a number of years now, and several of us - me, Dolly, Bat Boy, and the rest - have been a bulwark of truth in a sea of namby-pamby mishmash. And it's been a long, hard haul, good buddy. You'd think that things would have gotten better after the Russians kicked the Commies to the curb, but since then we've had to deal with terrorists, Democrats, and the occasional liberal Republican, all of whom have been working to destroy the American way of life.

But we continued to make our voice heard, and to tell the truth - until we met our final foe.

Last Friday morning, staffers were whispering that there was going to be a big meeting, and soon enough, all of us were called into a meeting room.

When we got in, we were in for a shock. We expected the publisher to be sitting at the head of the table, but instead we were greeted by a two foot tall, two foot wide, glowing cube with seven eyes and a bunch of legs. The body was redder than a Moscow May Day parade.

Bat Boy shrieked in fright.

"Greetings, Earthlings," said the being. "I am from the planet Clontzlinger, and we are taking over your planet in three weeks. To facilitate our eventual rule, your publishing privileges are being terminated."

At that, I expected that the alien would zap us with a ray gun, but he instead told us to go back to work and update our addresses so that we could receive our final paycheck.

I figure that the aliens assume that nothing can stop them, and that they have nothing to fear if I tell the truth about their plans. Utbay youay ancay opstay emthay ifay youay esistray. Aliensay atehay ookingcay oilay. Ouseday youray ouseshay ithway ookingcay oilay ootay opstay emthay. Onglay ivelay Americay.


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